Happy Friday!

Check up doctor appointment and lab work at Children's Hospital of Orange County. Once a cancer patient, always a cancer patient, even if you're in remission.

This is Jaime. He's the only person who can access my teenie tiny veins with just one try!

food for thought: top 4 foods i craved on chemotherapy

highlights:

• easy foods to eat while going through chemotherapy
• what to expect with appetite during chemotherapy
• my favorite comfort foods while nauseous

So as most of you may know, chemotherapy is this nasty medicine that makes cancer patients better but causes a long list of revolting side effects.  One of the harshest side effects would be nausea.  This nausea caused me to have a lack of appetite in the hospital to a point where even water sounded distasteful to me.  I would go days on end not eating one bite of food--sometimes I went five days without food.  I lost a lot of weight in response to this poor diet.  After my chemo treatment, I had to eat something while recovering at home.  It's hard to explain, but I was obviously still "hungry" in a sense since my body needed food, but I wasn't hungry (sorry that was confusing).  But here are some of the few foods I would actually kind of crave while working back up my appetite after my long, involuntary fasts.

1. Pho soup

Once I came home from treatments, this was the only thing I demanded.  Pho soup was extremely easy on my stomach and actually tasted good to me.  It was hot and the tastes were not overbearingly strong.  The broth is delicious and definitely fulfilled my need for food and hardy nutrients in my body.  My go-to restaurant for Pho soup was and still is Pho 99 Noodle and Grill in Lake Forest.

2. chips and salsa

Chips and salsa have always been my favorite, but my love was only heightened during and after chemo.  For me, the spicier, the better.  For some reason, chemo had some weird effect on my taste buds that allowed taste to become more bland and dull, thus why I demanded more spicy foods in my small diet.  The cold, zesty salsa with the perfect crispy chips satisfied my hunger and need for excitement in my taste buds.

3. candy

While in the hospital, being hooked up to the IV fluids and chemo medicine made my mouth really dry.  I hated the feeling, and that feeling alone would make me even more nauseous.  In response to my dry mouth, of course I craved candy to help with the issue.  From sour gummy worms to Hot Tamales, my hospital room looked like a 7-year-old's dream piled up beside my bed.

4. flamin' hot cheetos

Once again, it was the spicier the better when it came to what I would eat.  Thus, Flaming Hot Cheetos were another one of my go-to foods during the recovery period after chemo treatment.  Bright red, cheesy finger tips and all, I would go through a whole bag with watery eyes and runny nose from the red Cheetos.  One upside to this guilty pleasure would be the fact that it would force me to drink a lot of water in response to my burning mouth.  I needed to stay hydrated and drink a lot of fluids, and an efficient way to get me to do so was eating a bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos.

Due to my lack of appetite during the queasy days of chemo, this list is extremely short.  My appetite would come back for a small window of time before it was time to be admitted right back into the hospital again for another hit of chemo, and during that time I ate anything and everything because I could.  So if you're going through chemo treatment, don't try to eat the healthiest foods out there or stick to some kind of strict diet.  It's okay to eat a giant cheese burger if you really want to.  For me, I had to literally stock up my body as if I were going into hibernation before my next round of chemotherapy.  So eat what you want whenever you want because you feel good.  Save the wimpy diet for the days with no appetite.  Unfortunately, it's a whole different story now that I'm in remission when it comes to food whatever, whenever.  So embrace the fact that you can do it now if you are still going through chemotherapy.

###Alexis

getting real

I wrote a post previously about how important those few good days are among the bad ones throughout the cancer journey.  Now, I’m going to be real and honest about those bad days, because I had many of those and I feel that I didn’t allow people to see me battling the difficult trials by hiding behind the forced smiles and good attitudes. 

As anyone could guess, it was extremely hard to have my life come to a halt at such a prime stage in my life: an 18 year old senior in high school.  These were the times when we are preparing to go off to college and start our new lives with new friends, experiences, and futures.  Unfortunately, instead of spending my second half of senior year bonding with friends and peers before we part ways after high school, I was in and out of the hospital getting chemotherapy or at home recovering from being weak and sick.  Instead of spending my summer before college with friends and having the time of my life at the beach, concerts, and vacations, I was still in and out of the hospital or staying home on the days I couldn’t leave the house. 

I know this sounds sad and depressing, but it’s the truth.  It was hard to talk about it since I had no time or room to feel sorry for myself or drown in my self pity since I was too busy and determined to finish my treatment and beat cancer.  Now, all of the emotions and feelings are coming back to me now that I have the time and energy to really sit and process everything I went through and had to deal with. 

The hardest part for me during this time in my life was having my life come to a stop and put on hold, but everyone else’s lives around me just kept moving on: family, friends, peers.  It was hard for me to sit back and watch people move on with their lives without me participating in it.  I know I could never ask anyone to stand back and stop their lives just for me, but it was a tough reality that was hard for me to grasp.  I felt left out and alone watching my close ones’ lives from afar as if I was no longer a part of it.  

Another difficulty for me was not feeling normal.  I was sick, and it sucked.  I just felt sick and looked sick.  So many times I just wanted to do something to feel better and make all the gross-ness of chemotherapy disappear.  It was something I’ve never been through or felt and I had no idea how to deal with it.  At 18 years old, I was supposed to become independent and grown up preparing to live on my own.  I was graduating high school and would ideally be going on to bigger and better things.  But I was going backwards.  I couldn’t go out and be independent when I was so dependent on my mom taking care of me going to the hospital and doctor appointments.  I was like a newborn baby and needed so much attention and care, well maybe not exactly like a baby but you get the point.  

Now that I’m finished with treatment and moved on with my life again, you would think that cancer with be almost completely out of my life.  Ironically, it actually affects my life more emotionally.  As I said before, I now have the energy and state of mind to allow all the memories of what I went through come back and haunt me.  I never had the chance to mourn for my lost previous life.  Cancer took so much from me, and I’m now realizing all that I had lost.

When I come to think about it, I’ve had to go through three different versions of myself: pre-cancer, during cancer, and post-cancer me.  That in itself is extremely overwhelming and confusing for me since I’m trying to figure out who I really am now that I have cancer to help define my life.  

I discovered that just simply talking about everything I’m feeling or thinking helps me sort everything out.  It’s just hard since almost no one can relate to what I went through or what I’m going through.  The best person I have in my life I can talk to is my mom.  She was with me every single step of the way and knows me the best.  However, she still can’t completely be on my level.  

Cancer really does suck!  It turns your life inside out and affects every aspect of your life.  But it’s important to stay open with others and yourself.  So if you’re going through cancer or beat it, I suggest you talk to someone who understands your situation the best.  If you feel there is no one who can relate as much as you would like, then I suggest talking to your doctor.  No one knows how much you’ve gone through more than your doctor.  I love my doctor and I feel that I can tell her anything I’m feeling or worried about.  Or, you can simply write to help organize thoughts and feelings.  Either way, you will have those bad and confusing days, but they will only help to make you a stronger version of the person you will become.  

###Alexis

scarf bow 101

Hey everyone!! I am so so so sorry I haven't posted in a while.  I'm back in college now and I've just been swamped with homework, studying, sorority stuff, and other college stuff.  But I do promise I'll try my hardest to post at least once a week!!
Here's a video tutorial on how to tie a scarf bow.  I adopted this look as my own throughout the entire time I had no hair, and people would always ask me how I did it.  So here it is.  My secrets to scarf bow success.  Please pass this on to any girl you know going through treatment!  I want to help as much as I can because it's so incredibly hard for a girl to dress and style outfits with no hair as silly as it sounds.  Enjoy!

Here are some pictures of me reppin' my scarf bow on treatment

Rebecca Dever Photography

###Alexis

our song

Sorry I haven't been able to post in two days!  I've been so swamped!  Friday I was busy all day packing for school before I left to go to the Rascal Flatts concert with Austin.  Then we left bright and early yesterday morning(Saturday) bound for SLO!!  Then that meant unpacking everything and getting all settled in.  Now I finally have the time to sit at my desk, in my new room, in my new apartment!  

It's been quite the busy weekend, but Friday night was completely magical!  Austin and I were at the Verizon Wireless Amphitheater and heard some amazing music from Eden's Edge, Eli Young Band(love them!), Little Big Town(love them too!), and my favorite, Rascal Flatts!!

Rascal Flatts has a special place in my heart.  I've always liked them and their music.  If you're not a country music fan, I highly suggest you take a listen to Rascal Flatts.  One of my favorite songs is Fast Cars and Freedom, but there's one song that has become mine and Austin's "song" for other reasons than it being on the radio during our first kiss, like other couples.  

When I was told I had cancer, my mind was overwhelmed with thoughts bouncing around: Will I be ok?  I'm going to lose my hair?!  What about the rest of my senior year?  What about college?  How did this happen to me?  Among the jumbled thoughts, one question stung in the back of my mind:  Will Austin want to break up with me?  At this point, we were only 5 months into our relationship and still learning more and getting to know each other.  I didn't expect him to stick around for me, because in my head, that just wasn't fair for him.  Austin had his whole life ahead of him, and plans he's had since way before he even knew me.  I didn't want to hold him back.  Staying by my side through this journey is a huge commitment, and it should be his choice.  And what's worse than being forced and expected to endure this messy path was being guilted into it.  I didn't want Austin to stay with me because he felt guilty.  

So there I was in my hospital bed, scared and confused as to what my future holds about cancer, about Austin.  I knew I loved him, and I knew I loved him enough to let him move on with his life and plans if this was too much for him.  The next morning after that fateful February 17th, I checked my Facebook on my phone out of habit and was bombarded with notifications of kind and encouraging words from family, friends, acquaintances, and people I've never met.  Among the countless posts and messages, Austin posted a song on my wall late the night before.  

Tears instantly filled my eyes when I read the title of the song, before even hitting play.  In an instant, all my fear and uncertainty evaporated as if the thoughts were never there to begin with.  Right then I knew I wasn't going to be alone.  I knew we were in this together.  I knew I was truly loved.  The song was titled I Won't Let Go by Rascal Flatts.  If I fell apart at just the title of the song, I'm sure you could imagine what a mess I was when I played the song, letting the words sink in.  Ever since that day, Austin did not leave my side at all and sacrificed so much for me.  I would not have battled my cancer so well or with as much strength if it weren't for him supporting me and cheering me on the whole way.  We both grew up and learned the true meaning of commitment, sacrifice, and endearing love.  We all have blessings during hardships, and Austin was definitely my blessing.

Here are the lyrics to I Won't Let Go by Rascal Flatts(you may need some tissues...)

It's like a storm
That cuts a path
It breaks your will
It feels like that

You think you're lost
But you're not lost on your own
you're not alone

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
If you can't cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it's dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And we're too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
And you can't cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight

And I won't let you fall
Don't be afraid to fall
I'm right here to catch you
I won't let you down
It won't get you down
you're gonna make it
Yeah I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
And you can't cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go
Oh I'm gonna hold you
And I won't let go
Won't let you go
No I won't

Here they are performing the song live:

###Alexis

True Life of a Pediatric Oncology Nurse

Last year for my English class, we were to write a profile essay about someone who makes a difference in the world in any way possible.  Of course, the beaming faces of my oncology nurses popped right into my head.  The nurses made a HUGE difference in my life, and many other little lives of the children occupying the third floor of CHOC.  It's amazing how they manage to make a sucky situation less...sucky(pardon my narrowed vocabulary).  Inspired and excited, I quickly contacted one of my favorite nurses to do an interview for my paper.  I know what cancer is like through the eyes of a patient, but my vision comes to a halt knowing what it's like for a pediatric oncology nurse whose job is to be around many cancer patients all day. Being an oncology nurse isn't only difficult due to the hours and tedious work, but as I learned, it can also be extremely heavy on the heart and soul.  So here's cancer from a nurse's point of view...

She Calms the Storm

In the darkest of times, we tend to grasp onto anything that’s good.  That small ray of sunlight peeking through the gray, ominous clouds seems to make any bad situation worthwhile.  On the third floor of Children’s Hospital of Orange County, the nurses, including Erika Crawford, are that ray of sunlight for the pediatric oncology unit.  From Erika’s petite body frame to recently shaved dark hair, her big, beaming smile was the first thing I would see when I stepped out of the elevator; unfortunately, I would be heading straight to my hospital room where I would stay for days at a time receiving chemotherapy.  Greeted with a genuine and excited hug every hospital stay, Erika’s welcoming tactics assured me that everything was going to be okay.  Through the miracles and losses, Erika goes far beyond her calling as a nurse in the lives of the patients and families by building lasting relationships and providing unwavering support. 

Erika is a Pediatric Hematology/Oncology and Transplant nurse.  For more than five years, her responsibility has been to “administer chemotherapeutic and bio therapeutic agents” and to “provide the medications that will bring [patients] comfort through the rough treatment process.”    However, Erika does more than her job description requires, not only for the patients’ benefit, but also for herself.  She first wanted to be pediatric oncology nurse when she “had a clinical rotation at Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles’ pediatric outpatient hem/onc clinic.”  She was “amazed at how brave these kids are and how little affected they were by their diagnosis.”  Erika was especially tickled by the sight of “little bald heads riding tricycles down the hallway and making crafts in the playroom.”  From that point on, she truly believed she could “learn from them how to live life with such great courage as they do.”  By being a patient of her’s, I’ve witnessed firsthand her beautiful character that must go hand-in-hand with such an eye-opening job.  

Other than her smile and laughter, I noticed Erika’s short hair when I first met her.  It was starting to grow out from when she shaved her head in 2010 for the St. Baldrick’s Foundation.  According to www.stbaldricks.org, The St. Baldrick’s Foundation is a volunteer-driven charity committed to funding the most promising research to find cures for childhood cancers and give survivors long and healthy lives.  Erika said, “I decided that I would do St. Baldrick’s because not only would I be raising money for a good foundation and cause, but I would be doing something that was drastic for me, to come alongside my bald little friends to show them I truly care and know what a hard place they’ve been put in,” after she was inspired to do so in honor of a patient she grew close to who relapsed and she “felt that [she] needed to do something.”  Erika tells me, “You guys didn’t have a choice to be bald, and I wanted to honor your journey by making that choice for myself.”  It’s true.  We didn’t have a choice to be bald.  To voluntarily become bald by shaving off all of your hair, like Erika, is very encouraging to see.  The simple act of shaving her head shows her effort in trying to understand and relate to what we, as cancer patients, have to go through.

When I asked what her favorite part about her job was, she beamed, “My favorite part of my job is making lasting relationships with my patient and their families.  Like you guys!  I love that in my job I get to spend large amounts of time with the same families, get to know them and they get to know me.”  Erika easily became one of my favorite nurses from the beginning as she was very easy to talk to, funny, and really understood what I was going through.  She was also one of my very first nurses that first week in the hospital right after being diagnosed.  To my surprise, I found out that she likes being someone’s first nurse after being diagnosed: “I’ve recently discovered that I like being the first nurse any patient has on our floor.”  She goes on to explain, “The tests, the pokes, the doctors, the million other things that are about to happen are all daunting and scary.  I like being that constant among all that change that can keep that family and patient grounded and be that person at the bedside that holds their hand and tells them, ‘I know this is all new and scary, but I will tell you everything that is going to happen and I will be here for you.  We will get through this together.’”  My eyes teared up after letting her words ring in my head.   I instantly clicked with what she told me.  That was me.  The memories rushed back to the day I first met Erika.  I was scared.  I was lost.  I had to go through all the tests and the pokes and the surgeries.  Everything was so new and frightening to me; however, her glowing presence reassured me.  

Her easy-going spirit effortlessly lifted mine even as she administered my revolting chemotherapy; however, that happens to be one of Erika’s least favorite parts of her job:  

"Giving chemotherapy is very hard for me to do; it is a double-edged sword.  I hang the bag of chemo that will hopefully cure, but also cause suffering to my patients.  I know that hanging this bag of chemo will cause throwing-up, mouth sores, pain, and many more things.  While I’m at work, I’m not thinking about that.  I’m just getting my job done there.  It’s when I’m driving home that I start to wonder what’s going to happen to my patients because of what I’ve done that day."

        Unfortunately, all the side effects from the chemotherapy Erika would administer did happen to me.  I strongly dreaded the moment when the nurse would walk into my hospital room wearing protective gloves and smock holding the bag of chemotherapy that would soon be hooked up to my I.V. pole.  Knowing that the chemotherapy was flowing through my body was nauseating in itself.  I, too, would face the side effects of severe leg pains, chronic nausea, ulcerated mouth sores, and no appetite.  I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that something which made me feel so sick and horrible cured me of a fatal disease.  I understand why this part of Erika’s job made her feel so guilty; however, I never accused her of inflicting such a misery on my body.  My cancer and suffering were not anyone’s fault.  I’ve learned to just accept things that happen in life and to be grateful for all the little things.  In a way, Erika and all of the nurses who administered my chemotherapy saved my life.  

However, being a nurse on the oncology floor can be immensely heavy on the heart.  With tears in her eyes, Erika tells me, “It is very hard for me to literally LOSE patients.  That is probably the worst part of my job.”  She goes on to explain, “I get to be a part of people’s lives and sometimes I get to be a part of the end of their life.”  However, Erika still manages to find the ray of sunlight in these dark situations: “In a weird way, it’s still an honor to be their nurse in the very end, because my job in that time is to provide only comfort, only dignity, only peace.  It’s definitely very hard on me and very hard on my soul.”  I can’t even imagine what these brave nurses must go through countless times.  I personally knew about three patients who passed while I was going through my treatment.  That affected me in more ways than one.  That could have been me.  I felt deeply for their families, but also happy that those strong kids were no longer in pain.  That’s part of Erika’s job--dealing with losses.  But “these journeys of facing life and death have rubbed off on [her], and [she is] very aware that life can indeed be short.”

Aside from the hard times, Erika still manages to learn and grow from her deep experiences as an oncology nurse.  Through all of the suffering and pain, Erika has “learned that human relationships can survive anything, and that through times of suffering comes great times of joy and laughter as well.”  For Erika, laughing seemed to be her forte.  Her joy and laughter is contagious as I discovered.  Erika even laughs when she admits to me, “I don’t like dealing with poop.  Hahaha!”  Her bubbly personality finds its niche in the oncology unit since “it’s okay to laugh, even when you’re in the darkest time of your life.”  For me, my main lesson learned going through this journey with Erika was to keep my courage through every obstacle.  If she had the courage to put on a strong face to make me feel better, then I should be able to have that courage to keep fighting.

Unfortunately, most people are usually too scared to visit the oncology unit because it’s depressing.  Erika encourages “that this place is sad at times, but for the most part it’s where I’ve learned to be courageous and to smile through the scary times...kids with cancer are some of the bravest, most special people I know.”  Erika’s job shows to be more than just a job.  The oncology unit is full of sadness and devastation, but also laughter, joy, and courage.  Erika learns from the brave patients every day while striving to return the favor and provide comfort and guidance: “I feel honored to be a part of that time in your lives and try my hardest to bring some joy and sunshine to a very dark time.”

Here's some pictures of me with a few of my favorite nurses taken on my last chemo.  I forgot how bald I was!! :) Although these were tough times, the pictures below still bring a smile to my face.

###Alexis

99.99%

So I just want to share with you about my best friend during my battle with cancer.  This friend went with me to doctor's visits, chemo treatments, and just about anywhere I traveled to.  This friend never wavered in support and truly protected me.  I will be forever grateful for this friend's reliability.  This friend I speak of is nothing other than handy dandy hand sanitizer!  

I honestly carried hand sanitizer around EVERYWHERE I went to help fight off pesky germs.  I never realized how rude people can be with spreading their germs in public: not covering their coughs, sneezes, or hacks, or my least favorite, the walk-by-and-cough-all-over-your-face cough.  I avoided using any public doorknobs or rails, and if I contaminated one finger, I whipped out my hand sanitizer faster than you can say gesundheit!  

I wasn't always a germ-o-phobe before cancer; however, the doctors were quick to tell me that I absolutely needed to stay sickness free while on chemo.  As I briefly explained before, chemo would cause my blood counts to diminish close to zero, leaving me with no immune system.  Obviously it was much easier for me to catch just about anything from hugging a sick person.  What I needed to avoid most was getting a fever.  A fever meant infection, and infection meant I would have to go straight to the emergency room.  I loved the doctors and nurses and all, but I didn't want to be spending anymore time in the hospital than I needed to.  There's no knowing how long I would have to be in the hospital to shake the fever with antibiotics through an IV and close supervision, so you can only imagine how much one of these hospital stays would mess up my whole road map and schedule for my treatments toward remission.

Luckily, I never had to be admitted into the hospital for a fever(thank the LORD!), but we did have a few close calls.  So this is where my gratitude stems from for hand sanitizer ;).  I can't stress enough how important it is for a cancer patient.  Another route would be washing your hands a bajillion times a day, but that wasn't for me.  Instead, I much would rather use the fruity and fun Bath and Body Works sanitizer.

They come in all different colors and scents, and are super compact and travel friendly!  I had one of these suckers in every bag I owned and everywhere throughout the house and car.  These are a great alternative to the sterile and hospital scent of Purell.  

As much as it is important to stay sanitary for everyone, it is even more important for cancer patients.  I know there are some instances that are completely out of our hands(no pun intended), but just try your best to do as much as you can when it comes to your health.  That includes having your close ones sanitize as much as you do!  When I was at home recovering from treatment, my boyfriend came over everyday after baseball practice and couldn't come anywhere near me until he was completely showered and squeaky clean.  My family even knew to be as cautious as they could if they even showed one hint of the sniffles.

So now I am sharing my best friend with you.  May s/he bring you as much support and well-being as my hand sanitizer brought me.

###Alexis

Ps. Here's some of my hand sanitizer collection I've garnered throughout my cancer days:)

nothing but normal

One tip my doctors gave to me that I will pass on to others going through cancer is to live your life as normal as you possibly can.  This includes doing the same things you did before cancer and minimizing the change in your daily life.  Yes, I know this is hard to apply after your life was hit hard by hurricane cancer, but as I discovered, do not let cancer control your life.  Only let it simply be a speed bump down [fill in your name here] street.  I was in the hospital every two weeks alternating between a three day or a six day hospital stay for chemo treatments.  I would be home for about two weeks in between these treatments, and the time away from the hospital was no time away at all.  I still went in every couple days for blood work to monitor my blood counts.  Other issues sent me back to the cancer clinic such as nausea, blood transfusions, hydration, or pain relief from disgusting mouth sores(I'll write more about those later).  When I would first get home from treatment, I would feel disgustingly sick and nauseous from the chemo that I wouldn't be able to do anything but load up on anti-nausea drug after another then become a vegetable from its effects.  Although it was miserable, I still found peace and joy in not being hooked up to an IV and not having my pee measured every time I went to the bathroom.  Conveniently, when I would start feeling better was when my blood counts would go down--practically to zero.  That meant I had absolutely no immune system.  At home, I had to give myself GCSF shots to help raise my blood counts every day until they were at a safe level.  And guess what, no immune system meant no leaving my house.  No being around sick people.  No crowds.  Just the company of my family, and boyfriend, and healthy visitors once in a while.  So once my counts came up, I was back in the hospital as soon as possible to get hit with my next round of chemo treatment.  Yayyyyyyyy........  BUT I had a very small, but much needed and appreciated window of time in my cancer life before my next hospital stay to go out and do whatever, whenever, since I would be feeling good(ish) and healthy(ish).  During these small clearings in the storm, I swear I did more stuff than I did before cancer and tried my hardest to be as active as I possibly could.  I went to the zoo, I went to Angel games, I went out to eat, I went the OC Fair, I went to my senior prom, I walked at graduation, I went to my grad nite, I went to Disneyland, I went to a concert, and most importantly, I made my way to as many high school baseball games as I could to watch my boyfriend play(I would even go on my "bad" days with a bucket in hand just in case).  This is the part where I was so blessed to have my family and friends and my boyfriend to push me to do these things.  I knew my limits (and so did my mom) and I made sure to voice them when I would be out.  My boyfriend has a very, let's say hyperactive personality.  He always has to be doing something and would eagerly drag me along on adventures during my rare good days.  I am really thankful for that.  He constantly reminded me that just because I was sick, doesn't mean I can't have a life and be myself.  What I'm trying to say here is that although my cancer took up a lot of my life, I still didn't let it own me.  I could have easily just sat at home and felt sorry for myself and mourn the life I once had, and trust me I really wanted to at times.  But for those small windows of of time, I felt normal when I did fun things I love to do.  I felt like a superhero pushing cancer to the back of my head to deal with later as I was busy with living it up.  I think this can even apply to any obstacle or hard challenge in anyone's life.  Don't let it own you.  Make sure you have those small windows during your challenge to escape through, because although they're smaller than the room, what's past the window is vast.

Here are some pictures from some of my good days:)

###Alexis

free baldin'

As I continue with posts, one of my main purposes for this blog is to provide help and guidance to other cancer patients out there who are just as confused and scared as I was.  With tips and remedies, I hope to cover every single thing I know about dealing with cancer, especially for young adult girls.  One of the main downsides of cancer and chemo treatments(especially for girls) is the hair loss.  For me, my little teenage world came crashing down when I found out I would lose the luscious locks that dangled all the way down to my lower back.  However, losing my hair became a small feat as I was faced with surgeries, chemo, and lots and lots of nausea.  I just figured hair grows back and I'd try my hardest to rock the heck out of having no hair.  So when the day came to shave my head, I didn't cry, surprisingly.  Nowadays, it pisses me off hearing girls complain about their haircuts.  Last week, it was the makeover episode of America's Next Top Model (I think every girl knows what I'm talking about) and it made me sick listening to the girls literally cry over their hair and get upset if even two inches were cut off.  There are girls everywhere either shaving their heads or losing their hair completely with no choice in the matter.  And to me, those girls, teenagers, and women are way more gorgeous than any supermodel.  Okay.  Sorry I got a little carried away there.  Where were we....yes shaving my head.  The scariest part was when my hair started falling out.  I would just run my fingers gently through my hair and dozens of strands would effortlessly detach themselves from my head.  I had to wear my hair in a ponytail and headband to sleep to keep from more hair falling out during the night.  So I decided to shave it all off so I wouldn't have to watch my hair wither away day after day.  It was surprisingly invigorating.  Not ever in my life would I have done that voluntarily.  I have freckles on my head!!! I never had a chance to see my HEAD! And amazingly enough, my boyfriend adored my beautiful bald head, and to this day claims he actually misses it(but is happy that it's full of hair again).  So screw hair! SCREW CANCER!  If you're going through the hair loss, just own it!  Know that it'll grow back.  And if you're wondering what I wore on my hairless head, I'll write a post soon about scarves and how to tie them(only applies to girls, of course).  But for now, here are some pictures, taken by a close family friend Rebecca Dever, of the day I shaved my head!

My mother was the one who had the honor of shaving my head.  To be honest, I think this day was harder for her than it was for me.

Here's some more pictures of my freckly head after my hair completely fell out.  The best part is being able to draw on it!!  I was privileged to be the subject of a photo project for my friend Kenzie Mitchell, and it was super fun:)

###Alexis