getting real

I wrote a post previously about how important those few good days are among the bad ones throughout the cancer journey.  Now, I’m going to be real and honest about those bad days, because I had many of those and I feel that I didn’t allow people to see me battling the difficult trials by hiding behind the forced smiles and good attitudes. 

As anyone could guess, it was extremely hard to have my life come to a halt at such a prime stage in my life: an 18 year old senior in high school.  These were the times when we are preparing to go off to college and start our new lives with new friends, experiences, and futures.  Unfortunately, instead of spending my second half of senior year bonding with friends and peers before we part ways after high school, I was in and out of the hospital getting chemotherapy or at home recovering from being weak and sick.  Instead of spending my summer before college with friends and having the time of my life at the beach, concerts, and vacations, I was still in and out of the hospital or staying home on the days I couldn’t leave the house. 

I know this sounds sad and depressing, but it’s the truth.  It was hard to talk about it since I had no time or room to feel sorry for myself or drown in my self pity since I was too busy and determined to finish my treatment and beat cancer.  Now, all of the emotions and feelings are coming back to me now that I have the time and energy to really sit and process everything I went through and had to deal with. 

The hardest part for me during this time in my life was having my life come to a stop and put on hold, but everyone else’s lives around me just kept moving on: family, friends, peers.  It was hard for me to sit back and watch people move on with their lives without me participating in it.  I know I could never ask anyone to stand back and stop their lives just for me, but it was a tough reality that was hard for me to grasp.  I felt left out and alone watching my close ones’ lives from afar as if I was no longer a part of it.  

Another difficulty for me was not feeling normal.  I was sick, and it sucked.  I just felt sick and looked sick.  So many times I just wanted to do something to feel better and make all the gross-ness of chemotherapy disappear.  It was something I’ve never been through or felt and I had no idea how to deal with it.  At 18 years old, I was supposed to become independent and grown up preparing to live on my own.  I was graduating high school and would ideally be going on to bigger and better things.  But I was going backwards.  I couldn’t go out and be independent when I was so dependent on my mom taking care of me going to the hospital and doctor appointments.  I was like a newborn baby and needed so much attention and care, well maybe not exactly like a baby but you get the point.  

Now that I’m finished with treatment and moved on with my life again, you would think that cancer with be almost completely out of my life.  Ironically, it actually affects my life more emotionally.  As I said before, I now have the energy and state of mind to allow all the memories of what I went through come back and haunt me.  I never had the chance to mourn for my lost previous life.  Cancer took so much from me, and I’m now realizing all that I had lost.

When I come to think about it, I’ve had to go through three different versions of myself: pre-cancer, during cancer, and post-cancer me.  That in itself is extremely overwhelming and confusing for me since I’m trying to figure out who I really am now that I have cancer to help define my life.  

I discovered that just simply talking about everything I’m feeling or thinking helps me sort everything out.  It’s just hard since almost no one can relate to what I went through or what I’m going through.  The best person I have in my life I can talk to is my mom.  She was with me every single step of the way and knows me the best.  However, she still can’t completely be on my level.  

Cancer really does suck!  It turns your life inside out and affects every aspect of your life.  But it’s important to stay open with others and yourself.  So if you’re going through cancer or beat it, I suggest you talk to someone who understands your situation the best.  If you feel there is no one who can relate as much as you would like, then I suggest talking to your doctor.  No one knows how much you’ve gone through more than your doctor.  I love my doctor and I feel that I can tell her anything I’m feeling or worried about.  Or, you can simply write to help organize thoughts and feelings.  Either way, you will have those bad and confusing days, but they will only help to make you a stronger version of the person you will become.  

###Alexis